Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
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2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now