You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
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Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
Blew out my flip flop…
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
went fishing caught a bass
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*