The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
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“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
We all have our pet causes.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced