who named him groot and not spruce lee
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can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.