*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
You Might Also Like
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.