If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
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[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.