[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
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[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
I feel this so hard
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
I’m being attacked 😭
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
He died doing what he loved: being alive
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
The real reason evolution started..😂
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day