ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
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*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
Not all heroes wear capes….
🤣✨#caturday
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
LOOOOOOL
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
WWE is French for “yes”
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.