ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
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I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
The asteroid..
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
How it started How it’s going
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
got so much cardio in today
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends