I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
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Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.