What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
You Might Also Like
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body