My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
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9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
The hardest thing Vision has to do
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know