break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
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this is what they would have looked like, though
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up