Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
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“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
*seductively eats two tums*
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp