Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
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So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
is this a warning or an offer?
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you