Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
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I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n