Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
You Might Also Like
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
R.I.P.
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Thrilling chase underway
Free him
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.