In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
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Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.