“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
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If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.