Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
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“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday