If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
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KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.