BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
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if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
My dog ate my work from home.
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.