Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
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My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
“You drive, I’m tired.”
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
Weirdly Wednesday.
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.