Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
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Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
More like Kate Missington.
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation