I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
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GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you