“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
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Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
me, after any kind of buffet.
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.