My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
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Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
If you know, you know
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
These are my roll models.
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons