Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
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Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
thanksgiving in nutshell
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
Holy shit he’s back
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.