I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
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I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
Don’t touch that.