If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
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ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
socratic questions
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.