Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
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I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.