looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
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Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
Nice try Hitler
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”