Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
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Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
Me, scrolling to find my birth year