[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
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I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
I found your tweet-up…
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right