my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
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some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory