They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
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[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
my lower back watching me try to live my life
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.