I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
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I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
If you love someone, let them sleep.
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N