I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
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Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
Oh boy, $150,000!
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
you’re so productive for your wage
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.