According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
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My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”