Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
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Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
Mornin
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?