I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
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HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
(yawn)
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?