You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
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My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75