[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
You Might Also Like
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
These are my roll models.
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.