what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
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That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
*loses you in a crowd*
finally