detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
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who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
the pigeons are already plenty salty
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
When the stylist spins you back around
Baking is just science you can eat.
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”