Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
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“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.