ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
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You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
She puts the hot in psychotic
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE