That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
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I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
See..?
.
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
you know what ruined my childhood? children
i made a craigslist ad !
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g