Pot warmers of the day.
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Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors