Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
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Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
Finally, an instrument I can play!
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar